You will not believe that I once felt that life was not worth living! Really? Yip! The enemy had me cornered and convinced that I had no purpose. Oooh, wee! The enemy is a liar! His grip on me was so tight that I was unable to break free! But God! My night in shining armour – Jesus- showed up and rescued this damsel from the clutches of the enemy. The drama was breathtaking! The good guy won the battle!
Testifying about the battles Jesus has won on our behalf is what the Kingdom of God is about. We are encouraged to share our testimonies. I hope that you would know Jesus if you do not, and develop an intimate relationship with Him if you already do. You are Valued and Loved by Jesus! The Word of God says that we conquer by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. So it is my duty and pleasure as a believer of Christ to share what HE has done, and I love bragging about Jesus. So allow me to #boastonjesus
I had gone through a couple of trials, betrayals from relationships, and rejection. My rejection stemmed from early high school, leaving me with issues of inadequacy. It developed into constant feelings of worrying if people liked me or not. I soon become a people pleaser, living for the approval of others.
Time went on, and I fell in love and got married, but the marriage soon ended in divorce – I was beyond devastated. All I had gone through including the divorce left me feeling as though I was not good enough.
I tried to pick up the pieces after the divorce, however, found myself seeking validation from people and relationships. The unaddressed hurts kept piling on as I meandered through life. I soon started to feel as though something was missing – I felt incomplete. I filled that void with all types of temporary pleasures – which only made things worse.
I was going about my life, woke up one day and I knew that something was wrong. I had lost the ability to be happy, and I could not understand why. I sensed a dark cloud over my life. I could not explain what was wrong or how it came about. All I knew was that I had feelings of despair and hopelessness. I knew it was not normal.
I remember going through periods of darkness. I was unable to pull myself out of these episodes. I found myself facing a battle in my soul (mind, emotions, and will). My sister was a troop. She would pull me out of these episodes whenever I would talk to her, but I kept the full extent of my anguish from her. I was afraid of telling my family – where would I even start? My sister would help me out, yet I would find myself in the same state the following couple of days. It was a vicious cycle, and I was losing control. I felt like I was a zombie but somehow remained functional.
I would go to work and go home to cry myself to sleep – I was not happy. It went on for years. I felt as though I was a waste of breath – like I had no purpose. I would pray for God to take my life during the night – so I didn’t have to wake up the next morning. I was truly in a dark place, and the inner chaos was taking its toll. It hit me like a tonne of bricks this one day – I was depressed.
I soon sensed that what I was facing was not a physiological issue – it was spiritual. This was spiritual warfare. This was a battle against my mind. I needed divine intervention – counseling alone wasn’t helping. I knew about God from an early age, but I had not developed an intimate relationship with Him. My relationship with Him was a “Sunday relationship” more than anything else. I would cry out to Him for help between my episodes. I thought He was ignoring me. It felt as though my prayers were hitting my ceiling and boomeranging back to me.
It was about two years after the divorce, and I was still struggling to cope. I soon started to accept that God wasn’t coming for me. I felt that He hated me, or so I thought.
My feelings of inadequacy had me constantly seeking validation from people. I was looking for someone to tell me that I mattered – that I was good enough. I was looking for someone to make the pain stop, even if it was for a little while. And so I found myself entangled in sexual sin and alcohol. I was looking for a connection – any connection.
Some time went by, and I remember being angry at God. First of all, for not saving my marriage, and second, for allowing me to go through the hell I was going through. I stopped going to church and acknowledging Him altogether. I did not go to church for more than a year. I drifted further and further away from Him with each day.
I soon started developing dark thoughts – that I would be better off dead. I thought this torture would stop if I died. The thoughts kept getting louder and louder, and I started entertaining them because I thought these were my thoughts. What was the point of living? My life was miserable, and I was not happy.
I remember having a flashback. I had been judgemental towards people who took their own lives. I had thought they were selfish. I thought they should have tried harder. Well, I was now the one on the other end of despair, and let me say – I saw no way out at that moment. How is that for irony? Here I was, entertaining the very same thing I had judged so harshly. Life has this amazing way of humbling us. We do not know what people are going through until we walk in their shoes.
We ought to be kind to people. We do not know the battles they are fighting. No one could have guessed the depth of my inner turmoil. I was humbled. I am in no way advocating taking one’s life but I finally understood the torment and despair of people who went through with it. It is a deep and dark place to be – especially if one does not know or understand the love of God. The only ONE who can see and pull you out of that darkness is God and Him alone. I could finally empathise with the anguish these souls must have gone through – to get to a dreadful decision such as ending their own lives.
The thought of my family would spring up, and I would weep at what I was contemplating. Tears would come strolling down my face. How would they deal with my taking my own life? I would think about my poor mom. What would she do? How would she ever get over me doing this?
I remember this one day; I was on the floor bawling. I did not look ladylike at all. I had tears rolling down my face, spit running down the sides of my mouth, and snot running down my nose. You get the picture – it was not a pretty sight. I said: “God, I know you are the ONE and true God. Who else can help me, if not you? I will stay right here until you help me”. I cannot explain to you what happened in that flat, but something did. I started to sense that everything was going to be okay for the first time in years. I still had this mess going on, but at least I saw a glimmer of hope. I started praying and going to church again.
I worked a temporary position at the time and was hoping it would be renewed – however, it was not. I was soon out of a job too, amidst all the inner chaos. I wondered why God was allowing this to happen, on top of everything else I was going through. I was disappointed. I had always been independent since the divorce, and I prided myself on that fact. I was now facing losing my flat – my sanctuary where I could cry myself to oblivion in peace.
I was sad to lose my flat, but I knew I had no choice. Things were going to be tight. I planned to go back to my parent’s place until I was on my feet again. For some reason, I started getting this nudge to go stay with my younger sister. The first couple of times it happened, I ignored it, but this nudge kept coming. I didn’t want to bother her, so I was adamant about going to stay with her.
I could not shake this feeling to go stay with my sister. I gave in, reached out, and asked to stay with her for a while. I did not disclose to her about that little nudge. Besides, I was not even sure why I was persuaded to go and live with her.
In hindsight, God was trying to get me to a quiet space where I could encounter Him. My sister’s place was ideal. She would go to work in the morning, allowing me space and time to encounter God the entire day. She also had the resources for me to access sermons online, and I dived right into it. Anyway, she was happy to have me, and I was happy to be there.
To be continued. Click Here for Part 2
