The battle that persisted in my soul – How to identify and overcome brokenness

Garner around people! This post might shift your deep-rooted perceptions! I learned a great deal in my time with God. The lessons learned changed the trajectory of my life and who knows? It may change yours! God revealed the issues I was battling and how they came about. I hope my experience will be an eye-opener and food for your thoughts!

Ok, so Theologians define the word “soul” as our mind/ intellect, emotions, and will. Keep this definition in mind whenever I refer to the word “soul” in a post or blog. Without further ado, let’s dive in.

Something was wrong! I had no idea what it was or how to explain what I was feeling. All I knew was that I had inner chaos. My life felt as if it was under a dark cloud. I had an emptiness, a void that I was unable to fill. I would experience constant episodes of depression. I felt worthless, hopeless, helpless, and purposeless. I felt as though the train of life had left me behind, and I could not catch up. Life was passing me by, and there was nothing I could do about it. I got to a point whereby I was no longer able to pull myself out of these episodes.

I felt isolated, which by the way is a trick of the enemy. I was unable to tell my family what I was facing. I did not want to disappoint and alarm them. Besides, where would I even start? I would moderately talk to one of my sisters. My story to her would be that I was “feeling down”. I knew in my heart that there was more to it than just “feeling down”. She would help me out of these episodes, but I hid the full extent of my anguish from her. I must admit that she was an absolute champion. She would pull me out of these episodes, but it would be short-lived, and the cycle would start all over again.

It became a vicious cycle, and I was losing control of my life! I had to face the fact that whatever I was facing was more than a psychological issue. I needed divine intervention! I also knew full well that there is a God, and He was the only one who could help me out of this chaos.

I grew up knowing God. I thank my parents, who introduced me to Him at a young age. I had always experienced Him through their eyes. I remember my Dad as he narrated testimonies about what God had done for us as a family. I remember thinking what an amazing God He was! I longed for my own experience with Him. I longed for a testimony of my own.

I had accepted Jesus as Saviour in my late teens, however, I did not develop a relationship with Him independent from the one my parents had with Him. He was ever so good to me nevertheless. He always protected me. I knew God as one of religion rather than of relationship.

Life happened, and the busyness of it got the best of me. My relationship with Him as I went through life failed to gain significant momentum. He became more of a “shelf God” to be taken down whenever I was in trouble. He became a “Sunday God” to be talked to only on Sundays. I neglected to develop an intimate relationship with Him. I did not see the need. I thought I had my life in order.

Here I now was, in my 30s, going through this battle, and I remembered Him. I remember weeping and wailing before Him. I begged Him to come and help me, but He did not answer me, or so I thought.

I started developing strange thoughts – that God hated me. I felt He was intentionally ignoring me because of all the wrong I had done. I felt my prayers were hitting the ceiling and bouncing back. I felt He did not love me. I thought He has turned His back on me.

I have learned in hindsight that those strange thoughts I was having were not my own. The enemy had planted those thoughts in my mind. He made me believe that God was intentionally ignoring me. The devil is a liar and sneaky, and we must be vigilant because he does not play fair. A verse I love is Proverbs 23:7 “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Spiritual things, good or bad, are activated by belief or faith. The spirit of God has a right to move where His promises are declared and believed. The enemy has a right to move where the opposite is declared and believed.

The enemy will plant thoughts that speak against the promises of God in our minds! He crafts these thoughts in such a way that they seem as if they are our thoughts. He has a right to bring his plan into our minds whenever we believe these thoughts. We need to be aware that not every thought in our minds is ours.

I was getting desperate and was running out of options. God was ignoring me! I felt I had no other options. If not God, then who? I could not see a way out. Depression crept in, and it called its best friend “suicidal thoughts” soon after. Who was this person I had become?! It could not have been me. I cannot believe that I entertained such thoughts, but I was in a dark place. I found myself contemplating taking my own life. Thinking about it as I write is sending chills down my spine, and I am still in shock that things went that far.

I would pray that I die in my sleep! I pleaded with God to take the breath of life He had given me and give it to someone that would put it to better use. I was wasting it. Satan had me thinking that I would be better off dead, that indeed I was a waste of breath! All the while, I thought these were all my thoughts. I would think about my family. What would they think about this? I remember thinking about the heartbreak that was coming my mother’s way. I thought about the rest of the family as well. The enemy would come in and say that they would be ok and that they would get over it. It was indeed a battle, and all I wanted was for this torment to stop. Taking my life seemed like a plan.

I had to admit to myself and to God that I did not have my life in order after all. I had messed up and lost my way and needed Him. I was on my living room floor this one day calling on Him. Something was different this time around, there was a sense of surrender on my part. I had lost everything that mattered to me, my marriage, then my relationship, my job and I were about to lose my flat. I was wailing and screaming asking God why He allowed me to go through this chaos. I have never cried so much in my life. I did not know where the tears started and snot ended, you get the point. It was not a pretty sight. I have learned that there are things that God will not fix until He brings what caused it to our knowledge. He is not a superficial God. He does not heal the symptoms, He heals the cause. Besides, He does not want us to go back to the same destructive path. I wanted God to Abracadabra! and fix whatever this was. All the while, He was saying: “let me first show you what caused the battle you are facing”. Unfortunately, I could not hear Him. All I could feel was my discomfort and pain. The hurt had completely blocked out the voice of God at the time. We need to be still to hear the voice of God, and I was not still. I love this verse Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.” May I suggest that “being still” in this context is not non-movement, but rather soundness of mind? My mind was not sound.

I told God that I had nowhere else to go for help. That I knew that He is the ONE and true God. If He could not fix me, no one could. I became still and Lo and Behold! There He was in my chaos; in the pain, I was going through. God does not promise that we will not face trials He guarantees that we will face them. He does however promise His presence in the trials.

Most of us are fond of saying: “I found God!” Oh no! God does not get lost. He is the shepherd, and we are the sheep. We are the ones prone to wandering off and getting lost. He leaves the ninety-nine to come for the one in His infinite wisdom. He found me in my darkest place. Jesus is constantly looking for His lost sheep (us) – to bring us back under his care.

Jesus describes what He does so beautifully in this verse. Matthew 18:12-14 “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than the ninety-nine that did not wander off.”

Jesus found me, and I held on tight! I started spending time with God and was intentional about it. I read His word, watched sermons, and prayed. I was going to make sure to stay close and not wander off again. I knew the extent of the torment I went through, and I was not going back! The more time I spent with Him, the more I discovered sides to Him I had never known. He is not only an all-powerful, sovereign, and almighty God who spoke the universe into being. He sustains it by the power of His word. Above it all, He is also a Loving Father and a friend, who is grieved when we turn away from Him and are on the wrong path.

He can be whoever we need Him to be in our lives. He is the God of relationship and not one of religion. He desired for me to know Him, and He had been pursuing me. He longed for a daily relationship with me, not merely a “Sunday one”. The more time I spent with Him, the more He began to reveal mysteries about what I was facing – that the battle in my soul was an identity battle. The battle was between my God-given identity (who God says I am) and an earthly identity (forged by people, experiences, and circumstances.) My soul was experiencing brokenness due to what I had gone through in my life and the negative choices I had made thereof.

We need to know who we are in God. Being ignorant of our God-given identity leaves us open to putting on identities forged by people, experiences, and circumstances.

How did Jesus overcome the enemy when He was tempted in the wilderness? By knowing who He was and stating facts, the Word of God. He always came back with an “It is written…” What God says about us is true in the Kingdom, and it must come to pass. God can not lie. He is the truth so whatever He says about us is true.

I lost parts of my God-given identity. I inherited a foreign identity through my experiences and the choices I had made. I can think of an analogy. Let’s say we have two puzzles; puzzle A and puzzle B. One cannot take pieces of puzzle A and fit them into puzzle B. They will not fit. Each puzzle is made to fit into itself and make up a picture. One can try to force the pieces of puzzle A into puzzle B but puzzle B’s picture will be distorted. This illustration was what was going on in my soul. My original pieces were missing, and I was trying to fit foreign pieces into their place. Hence the chaos and battle.

I finally knew what was wrong – I was elated! Having a revelation of what was going on was a game-changer. God began to reveal that He had been pursuing me all along, but I could not hear Him. He began to reassure me of His love for me – that He had been with me all along. You have no idea how good it felt to know that He had not turned his back on me. What a moment! He took me down memory lane and revealed the times my soul experienced brokenness and how it happened. I had to pick my jaw from the floor – I was astonished!

He started healing and restoring those broken areas. I knew no human could fix me. I needed my Creator for a reset. Only He had the means to fix me. He made me, and He knew me better than anyone. What do we do when we buy an appliance and it stops working before the warranty? We take it back to the manufacturer right? I equally had to go back to my manufacturer.

I am excited to say God started healing my brokenness and restoring me to wholeness! He also filled the void I had been trying to fill with temporary solutions.

I have learned in my time with God that we are ALL looking for something. I call this “primary intimacy.” (which is a deep connection to God.) The most important relationship we are ever going to have is one with Him. It is out of an abundance of our relationship with Him that “secondary intimacy” (all other deep connections to people) can thrive and succeed. We make the mistake of plugging ourselves into all sorts of things and people before we plug into God. This is why people can acquire riches or be at the pinnacle of success but still feel empty and unhappy. It is for this reason that people are addicted to all sorts. We are all searching for primary intimacy, which can only be found in our Creator. He created us to plug into Him because He is the source of our life.

It reminds me of the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus made a special appointment for her. This poor woman was thirsty – all puns intended. She had been through five husbands, and the one she was shacking up with was not her husband! I suppose he was a boyfriend. Jesus explains that she will not get that void filled from running from one man to the next. He is teaching her that only He can fill that void. An encounter with Jesus left her satisfied once and for all. I could relate to this woman – I was her at some point, going from this to that but still feeling thirsty. John 4:13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst again. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life”.

The thirst I had was quenched as I began cultivating an intimate relationship with Jesus! That void was filled, and I was content. For the first time in years, I was genuinely happy! I had a peace I had never experienced before. It surpassed all understanding. It was not one that comes from man, it was divine, and I still revel in it.

Stay blessed X!